SIV–“self-harm constituted sexualized expressions of aggression� Bet’cha didn’t think that was your problem…
I recently read an e-mail from a beloved colleague that I must share with you. Recently I’ve been saying that I sense a shift in understanding about SIV, that perhaps people who live with self-injury will no longer be so demonized. Well, I’ve learned that I am, once again, a bit too optimistic. The article she sent me to read verified this.
This article, which came out in the Times on line (United Kingdom) on Dec. 16th, 2009 contained the quote in the heading of this post. This quote was deep in the belly of the article which was focused on women as perpetrators. At best this article intended to point out that women, and not only men, can be predators of children. The author suggested that this is apparently a new concept to many, including those in the criminal justice and mental health professions. So I thought this might be a useful piece.
I was wrong. Instead of looking at the impact of childhood trauma through the lenses of victims as well as predators, considering boys and girls as well as men and women, the author vilified women. And, most upsettingly to me, she vilified women who self-injure. So now women living with SIV (women labeled anorexic were inc luded in the description of self-harm as well) can be presumed to be predators, and also have their SIV interpreted for them, as “sexualized acts of aggression.â€
What a damaging and cruel thing to say, especially as the person saying this is a therapist. Here we go again. People living with SIV have long lived under the curse of being labeled “borderline†and I didn’t think there was a worse label than that. But perhaps this tops it. What do you think?
How to survive and create healing environments when so many consider people living with SIV as deviant and potentially dangerous? How to challenge this brutal stigma? How do we find compassion for ourselves and each other?
We can keep finding each other, and supportive people in our lives (whether they have lived with SIV or not) and we can learn that we are survivors, that we are strong, and that we are capable of enormous courage and kindness. We can be living examples that we are not what someone else has judged us to be. We can continue to connect through our words, our art, and our presence here and on the web site and in our homes and communities….. until the change that we can imagine will come true.
January 16th, 2010 at 1:39 am
Ruta - I really appreciate being able to find a compassionate voice on the other side of damning papers like the one you described. I think such attacks are born of despair professionals feel as they fail over and over to create meaningful interventions. The answer is compassionate connection. Human, simple, real. I have never more strongly believed in the power of friendship, and the capacity within each of us to love out of our own understanding of what it means to be un-loved. We are rich with insight that must be shared. Thank you for creating the space for all of us to connect and to know our own capacity for love.
January 20th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Thank you so much for writing and for such a tender and rich perspective. I do believe that connection, valuing of the journey with acceptance of what it has taken to survive, and finding ways to sit with very difficult stuff have been the ground for me. I’ve been a patient subjected to the extreme labeling and judgments. I’ve also been a mental health professional, taught to keep distant and value labels. I’ve had the privilege of listening to many different people, some who live with SIV, and teaching what I’ve learned thus far. I think some professionals have the despair that you described. I do know some have bought into the idea that power over others is not only useful, but required. Some have used their power to feel better about themselves, as do many in this culture. After all, you can still joke about the “insane” and “psychotic.” To call someone a “borderline” is to be really cruel, no? There is so much to learn and to change. I do believe that this will happen best with, to use your words, “compassionate connection.” I do hope we can create some room for that here.
March 24th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
I have a question how do I start a post. . . . because I have a big question. I was sexually abused, physically, emotionally abused, and neglected at times growing up. So I was pretty messed up but I made it and you would never know it if you met me. Yet the biggest part of self-harm I struggle with is sexual self-harm. Not many people talk about it and I read the first published book on it which was not put togehter well so I am in the process of writing one right now, but I still have urges a lot of the time to do it. To take a stick and cram it up my vagina and hit as hard as I can over and over till I bled or can’t take the pain anymore. I am not sure why I do it, but it has been happening since I was little and the sexual abuse started with my mom, then my brother, then my ex-husband. I am single now and have been for 3 1/2 years and have never been happen. I haven’t cut or burn or purged in over a year two years in July the longest I’ve ever made it and 2 months with no sexual self harm on april 2. . . . which has been so hard. At first I didn’t think it was possible and then I just had to stop and did and stuck with it and got rid of all my objects and haven’t gone back. Yet I get scared because I know one slip up and I will be back at it. Taking the pain for the gain of knowing I’m human and worth something, because that is how I was told I was worth something before. even if I don’t believe that now. It is almost habit 15 years later. . . . any advice. . .
April 9th, 2010 at 12:11 am
Hi Ruta. Thankyou for your website and blog. I have suffered stigma + labelled ‘borderline’. I’ve been denied shelter when I asked for safety from harming myself, derided for having such intense feelings and told I’m not taking responsibility, when I’ve reached out for help.
I’ve worked with my therapist for a year now. This week she stated firmly that I suffer from PTSD. I don’t have a personality disorder, or Bi Polar, Or MPD. I’ve simply endured trauma and abuse as a child, have struggled to get clear of my family as an adult and heal from it. It took until I was 50 years old to escape from my family.
I also have a medical condition that resulted in pain, and degenerative physical changes to my vulva. When I read about it, I came across similar remarks to your one above, the worst being a male doctor who described women looking at their vulva to check their condition as ‘voyeursitic’ and sexually deviant”. Because men can see their private parts quite easily, I understand his puzzlement, but to sexualise a normal act, was abhorrent. Sadly, some therapists and doctors still use Freudian interpretations to label people, especially women.
Thank goodness there are also people who see how damaging it is to collude with such horrible theories and apply them to women. It’s lovely to visit your site and to read such helpful, grounding material. Good on you for keeping the site going. I must add that my 2 cats are very important to my well being. In my worst times, they got me out of bed and into the kitchen to give them breakfast and so they helped me to begin a new day, even when it felt too hard.Thankyou.