Healing Self-Injury

My life has shifted radically in these past few months, and one of the consequences of these intense changes has been my work here.  I’ve been feeling ashamed of my broken promise to you – the one I wrote saying I would post often and bring much more material to the web site.

A promise broken never sits right, but can be a wise teacher.  I’ve learned from my shame.  I’ve learned that guilt, not shame, might be the more authentic response to this broken promise.  My intention was valid, the ability was not there.  Ah, learning about limitations.

I’ve become aware of a limitation I put on myself about this blog.  I’ve been restricting my writing here.  I want more freedom now, to explore this topic of SIV and healing from a wider perspective.  So here’s my attempt to do just that.  I want to describe the past few months to you, what I’ve learned about healing, and see if this is of any interest to you…

So often discussion about SIV is limited to “how you stop SIV.”  Sometimes there is room for understanding the purpose of SIV, the reasons people need to self-injure in the first place, and how healing is a process not an elimination of a specific behavior.  These are useful conversations.  Yet when someone is living with SIV often the SIV becomes a focal point of their lives, or of those around them.  We miss the other aspects of ourselves and each other when we focus too narrowly on the SIV.

Yet SIV is a small part of who we are.   Even in the midst of our greatest pain and struggle, we are more than pain and struggle.  Truly.  Recently I’ve been asking people about their passions and their dreams.  And I’ve been recognizing how my passions and dreams have fueled not only my survival but also my healing, and have led to a joyous life.

My passions got in the way of my writing here, so I want to tell you about them.  I have been immersed in changes these past few months, changes that reflect directly on my passions.  Two of them are sports and animals.  Sports were not only a means of surviving deep pain and struggle throughout my life, they also have been an avenue to experience challenge, success, growth, joy and energy.  Animals, to say it simply, are magical to me.  Interacting with them brings rich color to my life.

So what about the past months and my passions?  Years of athletic competition have led me to need a second knee surgery, and it was quite an adventure to find a surgeon who was willing to give me hope.  I avoid medical care, for various reasons, so this was a great challenge for me.  Yet the risks were worth taking and I am now 5 weeks post-op and looking forward to returning to my favorite sports as I’ve been given yet another chance to heal myself.  It may seem silly for a 51 year old woman to look forward to soccer and endurance running, but I am incredibly happy.

I also found a wonderful home for my fourth rescue dog.  I have three dogs and three cats in my cabin and it is full.  But I couldn’t keep myself from adopting another dog when I learned it was scheduled for execution (that was the same scenario for the other dogs too – I tend to adopt the ones that others think can’t be healed).  It is no surprise to people who know me that I cannot act when a person or animal is deemed worthless and unlovable because of their behavior.  So now Sea, the pit bull who was supposed to have died a few months ago, is snoring on the couch in her new home, at peace with her new family which includes other dogs and children.

Yet where I am writing this today is not from my own couch.  I am sitting on several bales of hay, listening to two horses chew their breakfast grain.  One of these horses is mine.  I live in a small cabin with little land, have a meager income…. and still rescued a horse.  A dear friend and I were told that a local riding camp had a horse that had gone lame and was very underweight.  He would not ever be able to be ridden all day, so they decided not to tend to him and retire him, but to shoot him.  Because he was a bit lame.  Not as lame as me!

It has been an amazing and spectacular journey these past two months, and I have met many generous and kind people who helped us find a temporary home for our thoroughbred named “Pocket.”  He is no longer lame, and is putting on weight.  Most importantly he is not dead.  He is beautiful and is brining me great peace just by his presence.  My cabin is a mess, phone calls unmade, work left undone… I’ve been spending hours each day in the barn with him and his new companion horse.

Acting on these passions has given me unpredictable joy as well as challenge.  It has helped me heal the events of my life that led to the need for SIV years ago.  It made me realize that if we chase after our dreams we can heal many wounded places indirectly, and that our passions can sustain us during the most difficult of times.  Does this make sense to you?

So, enough from me for now.  I am off to find the pitchfork as there is manure to clean up.  I hope that you find this interesting and that you are willing to write and share your thoughts and experiences.   And, once again, forgive me for my broken promise.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 at 12:30 pm and is filed under SIV, cutting, self abuse, self injury. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.