Do you prefer to be fixed or to be served?
I’ve been re-reading one of my favorite books lately, Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.’s My Grandfather’s Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging. There are few books I read more than once. After all, I have large stacks of “to be read†books scattered throughout my cabin. Yet lately I‘ve been relishing the rereading of this one and want to tell you about it and gather your thoughts as well.
Through her many stories, Rachel Remen teaches me about healing. Much of what she has to say, regardless of the person or the illness that the writing is about, touches me tenderly. In sharing some of her words with you, I wonder what you will think of them. Although she never mentions SIV, I think her words are profoundly eloquent and describe the core, universal principles that promote healing from the need for SIV.
People who live with SIV are often misunderstood. Understandably confused and frightened, people around us typically get invested in making SIV “go away.â€Â They want us “fixed,†for the SIV to disappear. Unfortunately most mental health professionals want the same thing. They don’t often understand (nor is it a priority to) the profound pain and distress that SIV temporarily soothes. And sometimes we don’t understand ourselves either, and hope that there is a “fix†for us as well.
Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment on life itself. When we fix others, we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them. Fixers trust their own expertise. When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time.    (pg. 199)
What a difference in experience between someone wanting to fix us compared to someone serving us, helping us to see our strengths. To be seen as “bad†or “broken†wounds the spirit. To be understood as whole people who are suffering provides a fertile soil for healing and expansion.
Whether we ourselves live with SIV, carry the scars from having needed it in our pasts, or are people who care about those who self-injure, we can all serve each other. Hopefully this blog is one place that can happen. We need not try to change each other here. We can share our journeys, our struggles, and wisdom with each other. We can accept who we are and accept each other without needing to fix anything. Sometimes the more we can accept where we are, the more opportunities arise for healing. Trying to “fix†ourselves without understanding and accepting who we are in the moment tends to backfire.
The greatest blessing we offer others may be the belief we have in their struggle for freedom, the courage to support and accompany them as they determine for themselves the strength that will become their refuge and the foundation of their lives. I think it is especially important to believe in someone at a time when they cannot yet believe in themselves. Then your belief will become their lifeline.    (pg. 292)
What do you think about that?
August 1st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
“Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment on life itself. When we fix others, we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them. Fixers trust their own expertise. When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time.”
I LOVE this. When I talk about “rescuers” in my model, this is exactly what I am describing. People how suffer their own victimization but in an effort to overcome their own pain they attempt to compensate by care taking others. In the process they fail to have any respect for their “helpee”.
At the Life Beyond Trauma Conference in Dallas we are celebrating the strength and courage survivors have in finding unique and powerful coping, and offer them more strategies to heal and find community. To learn more about it you can go to: LifeBeyondTrauma.com
November 24th, 2009 at 1:55 am
this spoke so loudly to my heart. just recently i told afriend about my battle with SIV. they didn’t take it so well. I didn’t ever plan on telling anyone but id had a rough couple weeks and was finding myself struggling against making one pain go away with another. he felt that if i didn’t “want” to hurt myself then i wouldn’t and told me he thought i had some serious issues. almost crazy. it hurt. a lot. after trying to explain it for over an hour i finally just left. i later texted him telling him how he had hurt me and that i thought i had been doing the right thing by trying to reach out for some support and understanding. i think that struck a cord in him because he apologized and promised that he would never say anything like that again. i think its a very misunderstood issue. were not crazy or mental. some people deal with their pain by over eating. others through playing an instrument. unfortunately how i react to my own pain is a bit more destructive and much less accepted by scociety. so i constantly feel like i need to hide. that causes stress. i wish people could just sit down and understand the other side of things without jumping to the conclusion of hey im not familiar with that so your a freak. sometimes i need someone who can just take me for what i am and help me get throught the rough times. not condemn me for how i deal with them when im alone. instead reach out, support and help me heal in ways i cant alone.